walking back from breakfast with a stormcloud circling my head despite the blue skies. i'm both shocked to be fighting a black mood while on vacation and surprised it took this long to catch up to me.

it was cloudy again during run/training this morning. pot yells at me and looks at me like i'm a barely functioning retard when i don't understand his piece-mail english. oron shows me a variation of the question mark kick and i have him screaming "NOT BOOTIFOE !" in no time. i practice it a bunch and there's a couple of times where oron's eyebrows shoot up in mock-revalation and exclaims "aahaaaaa !" with an open-mouthed smile but it's more me leaning on the likelihoods of statistical chance that i'll get it right a couple times out of a hundred than it is me understanding what the fuck i'm doing.

it's so odd how technique works. when you do something right you absolutely know it; it feels smooth and controlled and bootifoe and like you're following a natural arc of bodily movement. every limb works together seamlessly to create the whole.

when you fuck it up you usually know it too. whether from the sound of the bag, or the discomfort in your body, (or the endless groaning of your trainer) it feels wrong.

that's why these last two days have been so frustrating-- things feel smooth and correct when i do them but trainers groan, or my body aches unnaturally but my trainer announces "BANG, UP-AYE !" which is a good thing although i have no clue what it means.

i think about this as the sun beats on my head, the heat almost overwhelming. i struggle with the doubt of this strange, stupid path i've taken. "i coulda been an engineeah !" i mentally sob in my best imagination inverted-brando but although the bad joke makes my lips twist briefly it doesn't alter my mood.

the prostitutes holler at me from massage parlours and bars as i woke by, and in the heat and frustration i disgust myself with a wolfish, humourless grin as i briefly contemplate my animal desires. their voices carry a jeering quality i haven't heard before as i force myself to walk by and return to camp, preparing instead for further frustrations.