i arrived at the gym today to a banner for the fights on friday.

a feeling i can only compare to a mushroom trip taking a wrong turn washed over me when i saw it; my ears started ringing and my stomach dropped away and oh god i've made a huge mistake and i'm going to get caught and everyone will know and i fucked up bad and there's no turning back now the threshold is breached and what is life anyway

it passed quickly, however. just another strange emotional response to this whole experience.

since after dinner i've been feeling a wonderful calm about this fight. i know i've put in hard work, and, victory or defeat, my only goal is to fight as hard as i can. i know i can do that, and i feel that i simply will do that because if i don't, it's the only way i can actually lose. i hope i can carry this feeling through the next two days.