i bought an ipod after i killed my other one by thinking it would be cool to take it out for a bike ride in a torrential downpour that was so bad i started collecting pairs of animals for an ark. okay honesty time, i just thought about elephants and squids and said AWWWWWWWW a bunch. anyways i killed my ipod and i bought this replacement ipod so i could listen to essence of the northern fists before my fight and it is such a hilariously bad piece of shit that i have to believe it's an intentional malicious joke. check out this list of awesome features:

-is not recognized by itunes
-files must be drag & dropped like a memory stick
-will not take more than 50 files at a time
-sometimes rejects all the files
-sometimes rejects some of the files, leaving me unsure which were accepted
-will not charge with ipod wall charger
-sometimes doesn't charge through computer
-cannot customize any settings
-does not acknowledge band names or albums (all songs are by "unknown artist" from "unknown album")
-has battery life of 7-11 house-brand AA cells
-sometimes scrolls down when i'm not touching it (the only time the scrolling works)
-fast forwards songs it doesn't like when it's halfway through them
-has no shuffle
-cuts the volume in half directly after i turn the volume up
-turns off just because

and i want to be mad about this but its sense of comic timing is just so good that i can't. also i paid like $80 for it and just need it to play songs for an hour on fight day. but now i keep expecting to wake up and find it setting up ponzie schemes and then posting on stormfront about racial purity under my name.